Six years ago, I learned what spiritual abuse was after experiencing it for several months as a teenager at my home church, Southland City Church. Three months after leaving Southland, I went back to attending my childhood church. I stayed there for three years, going from a volunteer on the worship team, to worship intern, to a permanent position as youth worship leader. In November 2021, I left after nearly seven months of spiritual abuse. The abuse I experienced there absolutely shattered me and re-opened old wounds.
These experiences of mine have given me a new lens through which I see the world, especially my relationships. Sharing my trauma at any level with friends, former colleagues, and leaders has been a true test for me to understand who is trauma-informed and who is not. Who can sit with uncomfortable truths and who cannot. Who can love like Jesus amidst this discomfort and who goes on the defensive and cuts me off.
I know I am not alone in this journey. Losing relationships is an additional heartbreak many survivors face as they try to make sense of the broken pieces of their lives post-abuse. Many of our relationships can be lost when the people in our circles defend our abusers—often out of convenience. Having conversations with these people can bring about many common phrases and questions that make us survivors feel unseen and unheard. In this post, I hope to address as many of these questions and phrases as possible so fellow survivors can not only feel seen, but to also spread awareness and equip those who are unfamiliar with the concept of surviving spiritual abuse.
As a disclaimer, I am not attempting to speak for all survivors, so I will approach this from a personal perspective. But, know that my experiences are usually not unique, and many survivors may co-sign my words.
1. Downplaying, Questioning, and Denial
“Are you sure that’s what [offender] meant? Are you sure this wasn’t a misunderstanding?”
“Playing devil’s advocate, what if…?”
“That’s not the [offender] I know. There’s no way [offender] would do/say that.”
Survivors of spiritual abuse often agree that the poor response to their abuse by their community along with the religious institution involved can be more traumatizing than the abuse itself. This only further isolates survivors, which can wreak havoc on our spiritual, mental, and physical health. I have heard questions like these multiple times, and each time it feels like a punch to the gut. I think to myself: “Of course this is what [the offender] meant.” I wrestled for months during the abuse to try to make sense of my abuser’s actions and words, but every attempt came back to these words and actions being his true intentions. If it were all a misunderstanding, I would not be where I am today. Maybe I would have stayed at Southland, or maybe I would have still left there and still be working in my dream job at the church I attended after Southland. But that is not my reality.
When people play devil’s advocate, it can be particularly hurtful because that person is going on the defensive for my abuser, but still calling it devil’s advocate. There is an awareness that the offender is in the wrong, but there is also a half-hearted belief, as if I could have overreacted or completely misread a situation that was drawn out for months and constantly invading my day-to-day life.
The denials that come from a place of never seeing my abuser act in a certain way or say certain things feel unproductive. I think to myself: “Of course you have not seen/heard my abuser do/say this. If he did it to everyone, he would not have been in his position to do the damage he did.” Satan is crafty in how he sows deception into our lives. Paul speaks of this in 2 Corinthians 11:12-14 as he discusses false apostles:
“And what I am doing I will continue to do, in order to undermine the claim of those who would like to claim that in their boasted mission they work on the same terms as we do. For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.” (ESV)
To those without discernment, sin is not obvious. But, we as believers have all been given discernment because we have the Holy Spirit living within us. I, along with many fellow believers, have the spiritual gift of discernment, so we are more attuned to these things than the average believer. Unfortunately, what God makes clear to us is rarely believed, but often ignored and downplayed by those without the gift because what we have to say is often uncomfortable, and sometimes heartbreaking. Nevertheless, we have a responsibility to share the truth. The absence of an obvious pattern does not mean one is not forming or has already formed in darkness.
Instead of asking these questions, resist your urge to defend the offender and actively listen to the person in front of you. Ask questions that show the survivor you really care, like “How has that affected you?” or “How can I help you as you are navigating this?” Only ask these questions, though, if you genuinely want to know the answer.
Sit with the discomfort and pay attention to the discernment the Holy Spirit gives. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (ESV). The perception our flesh has is only surface-level. We are at war every day with the Adversary who loves to work in darkness. While there are rare instances of false accusations, true accusations usually sound far outside of the status quo, forcing us to be uncomfortable as we wrestle with truth coming to light.
2. Meaningless Platitudes
“God didn’t hurt you, humans did.”
“There’s no perfect church. Every one is full of sinners like you and me.”
“You can’t put your faith in people.”
These words come up empty to me. I know God did not hurt me because that goes against His nature. I am completely aware that there is no perfect church, especially because I am well acquainted with the fallen nature of man. I did not put my faith in people, but that does not mean they cannot do any damage when they use the Lord’s name in vain.
These statements are absolutely meaningless and do not provide any comfort. I could have lost my faith many times in the last six years, but it is by the grace of God I am where I am today. These trials have been by fire, and while my faith did not go up in flames, I will never forget what it was like to stand among them.
Instead, avoid saying anything to this effect. God does not need your defense. He needs you to humbly love the person in front of you, without condition or vain moral superiority.
3. “Have you forgiven?”
This question often comes up out of the blue with people I am not closest to as I share bits and pieces of my story with them. Just because I am telling the truth about the abuse does not mean that I have not forgiven. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Especially for me, there were some interactions from the abuse that my brain would not let me forget for months on end. Intrusive memories and nightmares were my most troubling symptoms of complex PTSD. Through EMDR sessions and a lot of prayer, I was able to place those memories in a box that I can access if I want, but they will not take over my mind without my permission.
I forgave because I needed to do so in order to heal. There are quite a few places in Scripture that make clear the importance of forgiveness for the sake of the one sinned against:
Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Colossians 3:12-14: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Who am I to withhold forgiveness when I have been forgiven for my every sin? Yes, abuse is a difficult sin to forgive, but it is always worthwhile to do so. I would not be where I am in my healing journey today if I was still harboring resentment and unforgiveness. That said, I could not do it immediately. It was a process, and a daily decision. When I eventually got to that point, it was freeing.
Instead of asking this question as a knee-jerk reaction, take the time to listen and observe. This question is often jarring for survivors to hear from people they are not close to because it feels like a very personal question for someone outside their circle of trust and accountability to ask. Ask yourself and discern if at that moment you have a place to ask this question. Does this person consider you to be someone close and trustworthy to be held accountable by? If so, is this a good time to ask this question in a way that is loving?
4. Suggesting a Rip-the-Bandage-Off Approach
“You have to just jump right back into church/community.”
I personally struggle with this response because I did jump right back into a church after Southland, and that experience ended worse than Southland. This kind of suggestion pays no mind to how the survivor is processing trauma. “Jumping back in” to a community of strangers does not solve everything. For many survivors, even the thought of going into a church service can cause panic. This does nothing for a survivor’s healing journey except potentially cause a setback. What is most important for a survivor is to have a close group of loved ones that will help to bear burdens and provide encouragement when needed. “Jumping back in” to a new community also means potentially sharing parts of the abuse story over and over again, which is exhausting and can cause retraumatization.
Instead, let the survivor take the lead on this. If you are not in the survivor’s close group of trusted loved ones, you most likely do not know much about where the survivor stands on this topic. Of course, we are all made for community, but when the community we loved has burned us and taken the air out of our lungs, we need time to recuperate before considering entering into a new, strange community that may or may not burn us too. That risk is daunting and must be weighed with prayer, time, and care.
It is also worth mentioning that God is not only in the local church. He meets us where we are because He is omnipresent, and He has sent us the Holy Spirit to dwell within us. I have grown closer to God through this time of being without a church community because I have had to be more intentional about spending time with Him. My faith has become more of my own through this healing process, which is exciting, humbling, and empowering all at the same time.
5. Common Deflection
“You’re causing division by talking about this.”
The offender is responsible for causing division because he/she made a decision to abuse a position of power. A survivor telling the truth about the abuse is simply pointing out the division that is already there. This phrase is a common one used to attempt to shame, silence, and blame survivors.
Instead, redirect this phrase to the offender. Call him/her out for the damage done and division caused.
6. Backwards Application of Scripture
“We’re not supposed to judge.”
“Our leaders have a hard job. They deserve more grace.”
No, Scripture actually says we are to hold fellow believers accountable.
1 Corinthians 5:12: “For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?“
Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”
2 Timothy 4:1-5: “I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”
When Matthew 7 says “Do not judge,” that does not mean everyone gets a free pass to do what they want without being called out by fellow believers for going against God’s Word. When we judge, we must do so with the love that God has for us and the discernment the Holy Spirit gives us. Anything less than that is self-righteous and prideful, thus making it sinful.
Scripture also makes abundantly clear the importance of leaders setting a Christlike example. James 3:1 specifically states, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.”
Instead, study this concept of judging in Scriptural context for yourself. Lukewarm Christians love to use Matthew 7:1 to excuse their every sin. Do not join them. Also, please check with yourself to see if you have put any of your leaders up on a pedestal. Religious leaders are not exempt from any part of the human experience, and are often put in positions that test their relationship with God more than others because Satan loves to target them.
7. Attempting to Apply Matthew 18
“Have you tried talking to [the offender]?”
Matthew 18:15-20 is a passage that is often thrown around in conversations about spiritual abuse. It is used as a loophole for an offender’s apologists to exempt him/her from accountability if it is not followed by the victim(s). However, it is not safe for a victim to try to address his/her abuser like Matthew 18 outlines. It is never wise to put ourselves back into a dark, harmful situation that can be avoided. Many spiritual abusers are also false teachers, which exempts them from Matthew 18 because we have a responsibility to call them out. There are so many verses in the New Testament about false teachers that there is only one book (Philemon) that does not address them. Personally, I expressed the disrespect I was being treated with by my offender (who is also a false teacher), but all he said was “What you’re feeling, that’s not on me. I’m not doing that.” Ephesians 5:6-11 sums up well the importance of calling out abusers:
“Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.“
Instead of automatically applying Matthew 18, pursue God’s heart that aches for the weary and downtrodden. Search the Scriptures for the many verses discussing false teaching and how to address it. Expose darkness as swiftly and gracefully as you can, so the offender does not get the chance to harm anyone else and the Adversary does not gain any more ground.
8. The Worst Question I Have Been Asked
“But were you physically abused?”
The context in which this question is destructive is when it is asked as a way to minimize abuse of the mind. Many spiritual abuse survivors have heartbreaking stories of how they were physically abused by their authority figures. Some of us had abusers who tried to manipulate our minds without laying a finger on us. Both are abuse and should be taken seriously. Just because my abuser never harmed me physically does not mean I did not walk away with deep wounds. Questions like this only perpetuate the harmful stigma of psychological/emotional abuse not being “enough” to meet the qualification. Abuse is abuse. Trauma is trauma. End of story.
Never, ever, ask this question. The type of abuse should not matter in order for you to have empathy and take a survivor’s story seriously. Do not contribute to the stigma. Asking this question will only minimize the survivor’s pain and will mark you as an unsafe person in the survivor’s mind.
Experiencing abuse is destructive, dehumanizing, and isolating. Not being listened to and believed by people we think we can trust only adds to these feelings and experiences. To those who are not survivors, but have been entrusted with a survivor’s story: I urge you to put yourself aside and simply be present with the person in front of you. Survivors have nothing to gain by sharing their story, and it takes a great deal of trust and courage to share it with anyone new. Consider it an honor, and ask yourself, “How can I show Christ’s love to this person?”
To the survivors: I hope this has provided you with hope that you are seen and valued, and that there is work being done in the global Church to both call out past and present abuse and prevent it in the future. Take your time, take your voice back, and don’t be afraid to use it as an instrument of Christ.
