Category: Spiritual Abuse

What do you think of when you hear the word “grief?”  Does it strike you as foreign?  Overwhelming?  Familiar?

In recent years, I have had to face grief in more ways than I ever thought I would.  Surviving spiritual abuse has forced me to completely reconstruct my definition and view of grief.  I used to think of it as something that only applies to the death of a loved one, but now I see how it applies to a broad spectrum of circumstances that all center around loss.  It creeps into many, if not all parts of the life of a spiritual abuse survivor.  A survivor’s grief journey can begin as the traumatic event is occurring as a form of anticipatory grief, having a sinking feeling that the happy ending is not coming.  It can also begin after the abuse is over and the survivor has left the institution, now having to face a new reality.

The Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) provides a solid framework, but it is often mistaken to be a linear process.  We do not move through the stages consecutively like they are milestones to achieve.  However, this model can help us to name what we may be feeling.

As a way to fully define grief, we can look to the dictionary definition, as well as how psychology and the Bible speak of it.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines grief as “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement” or “a cause of such suffering.”  Its etymology points back to Old French, grever, meaning “to burden.”  It also has roots in the Latin term, gravis, meaning “heavy” and “oppressive.”

In further detail, the American Psychological Association’s dictionary states grief is “the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person… Grief often includes physiological distress, separation anxiety, confusion, yearning, obsessive dwelling on the past, and apprehension about the future.”

While Scripture does not lay out a crystal-clear definition of grief, we see the term and its synonyms used many times through its pages.  Notably, in Isaiah 53:3: “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not” (ESV).  The word “grief” in this passage comes from the Hebrew word, “holi.”  Its etymology points back to the definition: “to be rubbed or worn; hence (figuratively) to be weak, sick, afflicted; or (causatively) to grieve, make sick” (Strong’s Dictionary).

Grief after spiritual abuse can affect how we remember the past, experience the present, and think about the future.  The following examples are based on my own grief journey.  My goal in sharing these is not only to help fellow survivors feel seen, but to also offer those who are currently supporting survivors an inside look into the mind of someone who has walked a similar road.  These experiences may be common, but they are not universal.  Everyone grieves differently, especially post-abuse, which itself can come in many forms.

Past

Good memories can become tainted and forgotten.  Instead of remembering all the good things that happened outside of the abuse, those memories can get pushed to the back of our minds because the trauma has stained our experiences as a whole.  A common trauma response is forgetting bits and pieces, if not all, of what happened during the time period of the abuse. This is the opposite of having rose-colored glasses, because those are often quickly stolen from us as the abuse begins.  Adjusting to this harsh reality can affect how we trust people (and sometimes, God) going forward.

However, these memories may not be gone forever.  They can often come back slowly as we heal.  A part of this memory recovery process could be through different therapeutic methods, such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  Recommended methods will vary from person to person.

Our trauma can haunt us, both physically and psychologically.  Many survivors may make an effort to physically avoid triggers as we recover due to still living near the institutions that harmed us.  We may go to a different city to run errands, go to the gym, or eat at a restaurant.  If we see people from the institution in public, whether or not they were involved in the abuse, that can become a trigger.  We may also avoid triggers by not reading the Bible, listening to certain music, or following certain people on social media.  Whether healthy or not, we may end communication with people who are still associated with the institution/situation of abuse.

While some forms of avoidance after abuse are actually healthy boundaries to mitigate the pain of loss, other actions may be a sign of a deeper issue.  Avoidance is a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  If the abuse involved one or multiple situations that risked life or limb, a survivor may be diagnosed with this disorder if the other qualifying symptoms are present as well.  However, if the abuse was not physical but instead emotional/psychological, a survivor may develop complex PTSD.  While not yet in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), complex PTSD includes the symptoms listed as characteristic of PTSD, along with some additional criteria that encompass trauma that was chronic in nature and may not have been life-threatening.  It is worth noting, someone diagnosed with traditional PTSD may also qualify for an unofficial complex PTSD diagnosis.

We may grieve who we were before the trauma.  I miss the innocence I had before the trauma.  I miss the days I was untouched by mental illness, and did not know what it was like to battle with anxiety, depression, or complex PTSD.  I miss not needing to take my antidepressant every morning.  I miss the fire I had in me to constantly be writing music.  Now, it is hard to write without weeping.  It feels like touching a live wire when I try to open up my soul to write.

While few survivors would say we wish we were still in the toxic relationships/systems we left, we may miss what it was like when things were good (if our memories have not been tainted and forgotten as mentioned above, or if those memories have been restored).  This bleeds into grieving the state of things in the present.

Present

One of the most devastating elements of surviving spiritual abuse is grieving the loss of community and a sense of belonging.  A cult-like mindset is common in spiritually abusive institutions, which does not allow for remaining members to continue relationships with those who have left.  Most times, that rule is unspoken, but some cult leaders have the audacity to explicitly order their people to shun former members.

Losing our community feels like being forced into a foreign, cold world that lacks the color our old world displayed.  For many survivors, we may lose nearly our entire once-trusted “support system” when we leave an abusive situation.  The people we thought would be in our corner come hell or high water end up betraying us due to their own insecurities and/or lack of discernment.  Some trusted individuals may turn out to be abuse apologists, while others are simply too cowardly and comfortable to stand up for what is right.  This betrayal trauma often hurts survivors just as much, if not more, than the abuse itself.  This can cause survivors to develop immense trust issues with authority figures and peers alike.  We are forced to grieve what feels like everything we have known in recent years or in our entire lifetime, depending on how long we were a part of the institution.

We may have a crisis of faith and grieve the “lost” time believing false theology.  Some members of the church may clutch their metaphorical pearls when they hear a fellow believer mention “deconstruction.”  What needs to be recognized among the Church, especially in the United States, is that “deconstruction” is not a dirty word.  It is a necessary process in order to draw ourselves closer to the Creator.  It is a part of sanctification in making sure the teachings we believe truly reflect the God of the Bible, and not the false gods of our corrupt culture and authority figures alike.  Spiritual abuse survivors are faced with extreme circumstances that force us to deconstruct our faith in order to keep surviving.  We have to de-program ourselves from the toxic teachings that allowed for our abuse to occur and kept us away from understanding the love of the One True God.  Personally, grieving those lost years and separating myself from how I used to view God was not easy, but brought freedom in the end due to reconstruction.

One large caveat of deconstruction is that it is unhealthy without reconstruction.  Lies must be replaced with Truth.  Despair must be met with hope.  It is unloving to ourselves to turn our souls over to the world, abandon our faith completely, and not rediscover the firm foundation that is Christ and His teachings.  The only way I have kept my faith is by being reminded of the true nature of the One who saved me.

A common grief experience is “the year of firsts.”  For those who have lost a loved one, the first year of birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries can be incredibly difficult to navigate.  These special days are rude reminders of who has been lost in a more severe way than the day-to-day grief.  For spiritual abuse survivors, Christmas and Easter can be especially hard, along with any other special annual events/celebrations that became a part of our lives while being a member of that institution (e.g., retreats/conferences, camps, vacation Bible school, church anniversaries).  My year of firsts felt like it extended into the second year.  The second Christmas and Easter did not feel easier.  This past Easter is the first major holiday that did not sting after leaving in November 2021.

Future

Spiritual abuse survival often changes the trajectory of survivors’ lives.  Dreams and goals of survivors can change as a result, and that can be a hard reality to face.  This is especially true for those who used to work (either paid or volunteer) at the abusive institution and felt called to continue in ministry.  Survivors may feel like time has been lost pursuing a calling that was brought to an abrupt end.  What may feel like an “ending,” though, can actually be a brief halt and redirection.  Our abuse does not surprise God, and He will not let anything we experience go to waste. 

I thought I was going to stay at my last church forever.  I had been pursuing my calling of worship leading for over thirteen years.  The mentorship I received during my employment led me to believe I was going to keep moving up from my youth worship leader position, and I would eventually achieve my dream of becoming a worship director.  While I tried to continue in the same career path after I left, God shut every door I tried.  He has opened other doors since, but not the ones I expected to walk through.  However, He has helped me to understand how my calling has slightly changed, but in a positive way that will bring Him glory and will use my pain for His good.

Survivors may also grieve lost time after the abuse that could have been spent living a relatively undisturbed, happier and healthier life.  We may feel like our lives are on hold post-abuse, having to pick up the pieces of a mess we did not create.  Trauma is stubborn and does not like to be ignored, so it will not leave us until it is addressed.  Putting on a mask and saying everything is fine can result in the effects of trauma coming out “sideways,” which can hurt survivors’ support people that are trying to help.  Unresolved trauma can make people become mean, bitter, and resentful.  Medical researchers are also coming to understand how it can affect our physical health.  While the work to resolve trauma and heal from it is worthwhile, it takes a lot of time and energy that is not expected nor desired to expend by a survivor.

Now the question stands: How do we cope?

For survivors and supporters, this is what we must remember :

1. We cannot be afraid of grief.  We must face it in order to work through it.  It is a large, daunting mountain to climb that will not go away on its own.
2. There is no quick fix.  Nobody on earth will have the perfect words to take our pain away.  No substance, earthly relationship, or amount of money can either – they can only numb.
3. We will not feel the same way forever.  Nothing in this world lasts forever.  If we are making an active effort to heal, no matter how small, it will make a difference.  Some days all we can do is be 1% better, but in the future, those small steps will lead to significant improvement.
4. Most importantly, we cannot bear grief alone.  Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (ESV).  It is helpful to have at least two people we can go to as supporters.  This keeps the responsibility of care off the shoulders of a solitary friend or family member, which can become overwhelming to that person and can harm the relationship.  As mentioned earlier, I recognize that loss of community often accompanies leaving situations of abuse, so I encourage relationships with people who are outside of that community and/or showed consistent support during the abuse.  Ideally, the second member of a survivor’s support system would be a trauma-informed counselor/mental health professional.

Over anyone else, we must run to Jesus in order to be made whole.  We do not have to seem to have it all together in order to run to Him.  We do not even need to have the right words to pray – the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf (Romans 8:26-27).  Simply offering our shattered hearts to Him is enough.  We cannot afford to forget that our abuse breaks the heart of Jesus more than anyone else.  His name is a weapon He knows will be used for evil, but He will still win in the end.  We are His sheep, and He will run after every last one of us to ensure we are safe in His care.  He will banish the wolves that try to infiltrate the flock with sheep’s clothing.  He will carry us when we are injured until we are healed enough to walk on our own again, and He will never be out of reach.

Six years ago, I learned what spiritual abuse was after experiencing it for several months as a teenager at my home church, Southland City Church.  Three months after leaving Southland, I went back to attending my childhood church.  I stayed there for three years, going from a volunteer on the worship team, to worship intern, to a permanent position as youth worship leader.  In November 2021, I left after nearly seven months of spiritual abuse.  The abuse I experienced there absolutely shattered me and re-opened old wounds.

These experiences of mine have given me a new lens through which I see the world, especially my relationships.  Sharing my trauma at any level with friends, former colleagues, and leaders has been a true test for me to understand who is trauma-informed and who is not.  Who can sit with uncomfortable truths and who cannot.  Who can love like Jesus amidst this discomfort and who goes on the defensive and cuts me off.

I know I am not alone in this journey.  Losing relationships is an additional heartbreak many survivors face as they try to make sense of the broken pieces of their lives post-abuse.  Many of our relationships can be lost when the people in our circles defend our abusers—often out of convenience.  Having conversations with these people can bring about many common phrases and questions that make us survivors feel unseen and unheard.  In this post, I hope to address as many of these questions and phrases as possible so fellow survivors can not only feel seen, but to also spread awareness and equip those who are unfamiliar with the concept of surviving spiritual abuse.

As a disclaimer, I am not attempting to speak for all survivors, so I will approach this from a personal perspective.  But, know that my experiences are usually not unique, and many survivors may co-sign my words.

1. Downplaying, Questioning, and Denial

“Playing devil’s advocate, what if…?”

“That’s not the [offender] I know. There’s no way [offender] would do/say that.”

Survivors of spiritual abuse often agree that the poor response to their abuse by their community along with the religious institution involved can be more traumatizing than the abuse itself.  This only further isolates survivors, which can wreak havoc on our spiritual, mental, and physical health.  I have heard questions like these multiple times, and each time it feels like a punch to the gut.  I think to myself: “Of course this is what [the offender] meant.”  I wrestled for months during the abuse to try to make sense of my abuser’s actions and words, but every attempt came back to these words and actions being his true intentions.  If it were all a misunderstanding, I would not be where I am today.  Maybe I would have stayed at Southland, or maybe I would have still left there and still be working in my dream job at the church I attended after Southland.  But that is not my reality.

When people play devil’s advocate, it can be particularly hurtful because that person is going on the defensive for my abuser, but still calling it devil’s advocate.  There is an awareness that the offender is in the wrong, but there is also a half-hearted belief, as if I could have overreacted or completely misread a situation that was drawn out for months and constantly invading my day-to-day life.

The denials that come from a place of never seeing my abuser act in a certain way or say certain things feel unproductive.  I think to myself: “Of course you have not seen/heard my abuser do/say this.  If he did it to everyone, he would not have been in his position to do the damage he did.”  Satan is crafty in how he sows deception into our lives.  Paul speaks of this in 2 Corinthians 11:12-14 as he discusses false apostles:

“And what I am doing I will continue to do, in order to undermine the claim of those who would like to claim that in their boasted mission they work on the same terms as we do. For such men are false apostles, deceitful workmen, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.  So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.” (ESV)

To those without discernment, sin is not obvious.  But, we as believers have all been given discernment because we have the Holy Spirit living within us.  I, along with many fellow believers, have the spiritual gift of discernment, so we are more attuned to these things than the average believer.  Unfortunately, what God makes clear to us is rarely believed, but often ignored and downplayed by those without the gift because what we have to say is often uncomfortable, and sometimes heartbreaking.  Nevertheless, we have a responsibility to share the truth.  The absence of an obvious pattern does not mean one is not forming or has already formed in darkness.

Instead of asking these questions, resist your urge to defend the offender and actively listen to the person in front of you.  Ask questions that show the survivor you really care, like “How has that affected you?” or “How can I help you as you are navigating this?”  Only ask these questions, though, if you genuinely want to know the answer.

Sit with the discomfort and pay attention to the discernment the Holy Spirit gives.  Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (ESV).  The perception our flesh has is only surface-level.  We are at war every day with the Adversary who loves to work in darkness.  While there are rare instances of false accusations, true accusations usually sound far outside of the status quo, forcing us to be uncomfortable as we wrestle with truth coming to light.

2. Meaningless Platitudes

“God didn’t hurt you, humans did.”

“There’s no perfect church. Every one is full of sinners like you and me.”

“You can’t put your faith in people.”

These words come up empty to me.  I know God did not hurt me because that goes against His nature.  I am completely aware that there is no perfect church, especially because I am well acquainted with the fallen nature of man.  I did not put my faith in people, but that does not mean they cannot do any damage when they use the Lord’s name in vain.

These statements are absolutely meaningless and do not provide any comfort.  I could have lost my faith many times in the last six years, but it is by the grace of God I am where I am today.  These trials have been by fire, and while my faith did not go up in flames, I will never forget what it was like to stand among them.

Instead, avoid saying anything to this effect.  God does not need your defense.  He needs you to humbly love the person in front of you, without condition or vain moral superiority.

3. “Have you forgiven?”

This question often comes up out of the blue with people I am not closest to as I share bits and pieces of my story with them.  Just because I am telling the truth about the abuse does not mean that I have not forgiven.  Forgiving is not the same as forgetting.  Especially for me, there were some interactions from the abuse that my brain would not let me forget for months on end.  Intrusive memories and nightmares were my most troubling symptoms of complex PTSD.  Through EMDR sessions and a lot of prayer, I was able to place those memories in a box that I can access if I want, but they will not take over my mind without my permission.

I forgave because I needed to do so in order to heal.  There are quite a few places in Scripture that make clear the importance of forgiveness for the sake of the one sinned against:

Ephesians 4:31-32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Colossians 3:12-14: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

Matthew 6:14-15: “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,  but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

Who am I to withhold forgiveness when I have been forgiven for my every sin?  Yes, abuse is a difficult sin to forgive, but it is always worthwhile to do so.  I would not be where I am in my healing journey today if I was still harboring resentment and unforgiveness.  That said, I could not do it immediately.  It was a process, and a daily decision.  When I eventually got to that point, it was freeing.

Instead of asking this question as a knee-jerk reaction, take the time to listen and observe.  This question is often jarring for survivors to hear from people they are not close to because it feels like a very personal question for someone outside their circle of trust and accountability to ask.  Ask yourself and discern if at that moment you have a place to ask this question.  Does this person consider you to be someone close and trustworthy to be held accountable by?  If so, is this a good time to ask this question in a way that is loving?

4. Suggesting a Rip-the-Bandage-Off Approach

“You have to just jump right back into church/community.”

I personally struggle with this response because I did jump right back into a church after Southland, and that experience ended worse than Southland.  This kind of suggestion pays no mind to how the survivor is processing trauma.  “Jumping back in” to a community of strangers does not solve everything.  For many survivors, even the thought of going into a church service can cause panic.  This does nothing for a survivor’s healing journey except potentially cause a setback.  What is most important for a survivor is to have a close group of loved ones that will help to bear burdens and provide encouragement when needed.  “Jumping back in” to a new community also means potentially sharing parts of the abuse story over and over again, which is exhausting and can cause retraumatization.

Instead, let the survivor take the lead on this.  If you are not in the survivor’s close group of trusted loved ones, you most likely do not know much about where the survivor stands on this topic.  Of course, we are all made for community, but when the community we loved has burned us and taken the air out of our lungs, we need time to recuperate before considering entering into a new, strange community that may or may not burn us too.  That risk is daunting and must be weighed with prayer, time, and care.

It is also worth mentioning that God is not only in the local church.  He meets us where we are because He is omnipresent, and He has sent us the Holy Spirit to dwell within us.  I have grown closer to God through this time of being without a church community because I have had to be more intentional about spending time with Him.  My faith has become more of my own through this healing process, which is exciting, humbling, and empowering all at the same time.

5. Common Deflection

“You’re causing division by talking about this.”

The offender is responsible for causing division because he/she made a decision to abuse a position of power.  A survivor telling the truth about the abuse is simply pointing out the division that is already there.  This phrase is a common one used to attempt to shame, silence, and blame survivors.

Instead, redirect this phrase to the offender.  Call him/her out for the damage done and division caused.

6. Backwards Application of Scripture

“We’re not supposed to judge.”

“Our leaders have a hard job. They deserve more grace.”

No, Scripture actually says we are to hold fellow believers accountable.

1 Corinthians 5:12: “For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?“

Galatians 6:1: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”

2 Timothy 4:1-5: “I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry.”

When Matthew 7 says “Do not judge,” that does not mean everyone gets a free pass to do what they want without being called out by fellow believers for going against God’s Word.  When we judge, we must do so with the love that God has for us and the discernment the Holy Spirit gives us.  Anything less than that is self-righteous and prideful, thus making it sinful.

Scripture also makes abundantly clear the importance of leaders setting a Christlike example.  James 3:1 specifically states, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.”

Instead, study this concept of judging in Scriptural context for yourself.  Lukewarm Christians love to use Matthew 7:1 to excuse their every sin.  Do not join them.  Also, please check with yourself to see if you have put any of your leaders up on a pedestal.  Religious leaders are not exempt from any part of the human experience, and are often put in positions that test their relationship with God more than others because Satan loves to target them.

7. Attempting to Apply Matthew 18

“Have you tried talking to [the offender]?”

Matthew 18:15-20 is a passage that is often thrown around in conversations about spiritual abuse.  It is used as a loophole for an offender’s apologists to exempt him/her from accountability if it is not followed by the victim(s).  However, it is not safe for a victim to try to address his/her abuser like Matthew 18 outlines.  It is never wise to put ourselves back into a dark, harmful situation that can be avoided.  Many spiritual abusers are also false teachers, which exempts them from Matthew 18 because we have a responsibility to call them out.  There are so many verses in the New Testament about false teachers that there is only one book (Philemon) that does not address them.  Personally, I expressed the disrespect I was being treated with by my offender (who is also a false teacher), but all he said was “What you’re feeling, that’s not on me.  I’m not doing that.”  Ephesians 5:6-11 sums up well the importance of calling out abusers:

“Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.“

Instead of automatically applying Matthew 18, pursue God’s heart that aches for the weary and downtrodden.  Search the Scriptures for the many verses discussing false teaching and how to address it.  Expose darkness as swiftly and gracefully as you can, so the offender does not get the chance to harm anyone else and the Adversary does not gain any more ground.

8. The Worst Question I Have Been Asked

“But were you physically abused?”

The context in which this question is destructive is when it is asked as a way to minimize abuse of the mind.  Many spiritual abuse survivors have heartbreaking stories of how they were physically abused by their authority figures.  Some of us had abusers who tried to manipulate our minds without laying a finger on us.  Both are abuse and should be taken seriously.  Just because my abuser never harmed me physically does not mean I did not walk away with deep wounds.  Questions like this only perpetuate the harmful stigma of psychological/emotional abuse not being “enough” to meet the qualification.  Abuse is abuse.  Trauma is trauma.  End of story.

Never, ever, ask this question.  The type of abuse should not matter in order for you to have empathy and take a survivor’s story seriously.  Do not contribute to the stigma.  Asking this question will only minimize the survivor’s pain and will mark you as an unsafe person in the survivor’s mind.

Experiencing abuse is destructive, dehumanizing, and isolating.  Not being listened to and believed by people we think we can trust only adds to these feelings and experiences.  To those who are not survivors, but have been entrusted with a survivor’s story: I urge you to put yourself aside and simply be present with the person in front of you.  Survivors have nothing to gain by sharing their story, and it takes a great deal of trust and courage to share it with anyone new.  Consider it an honor, and ask yourself, “How can I show Christ’s love to this person?”

To the survivors: I hope this has provided you with hope that you are seen and valued, and that there is work being done in the global Church to both call out past and present abuse and prevent it in the future.  Take your time, take your voice back, and don’t be afraid to use it as an instrument of Christ.

Have you ever heard of the metaphor of a frog in boiling water?

It goes something like this: If a frog is dropped into a pot of boiling water, it will immediately jump out, because the water is obviously dangerous. However, if a frog is put in room-temperature water that slowly comes to a boil, the frog will not notice the gradual rise in temperature. It will not be able to sense it is in danger until it is too late.

That is what it was like being in a church that slowly became a cult.

The church my family and I began attending when I was a teenager did not start out as a cult. It was a small community of believers that cared for each other and sought “to make Jesus known” above all. It truly felt like what the local church is supposed to be. However, after a few years, the burner turned on, and the temperature of the water began to rise.

My mom first noticed signs, then my dad, then me. It was at this church that we first experienced spiritual abuse. We did not know a cult could be in our backyard, let alone appear in our own church.

Two Points of Clarification

1. When we hear the word “cult,” our minds might go straight to the Peoples Temple in Jonestown or the Branch Davidians in Waco. While both had tragic outcomes, they are also extreme examples of how a cult can operate. Cults are much more common than we think, and they often masquerade as churches. Hence the term, “cultic church.”
2. All the red flags I am giving are ones that my family and I witnessed in the cult we left. This is not an exhaustive list of signs of a cultic church. I will provide links to other resources that can touch on other signs throughout and at the end of the post.

Cults are in our small towns and big cities. Their products are on our Spotify playlists and our bookshelves. So, how do we identify them?

Red Flag #1 – Emphasis on One (Human) Leader

Many cults disguised as Christian churches can more specifically be described as cults of personality. The telltale sign of these is one leader being revered above all other humans, like a god, or like a modern-day apostle or prophet that is specifically chosen by God. These leaders are usually quite charismatic, and often narcissistic. A church leader’s personality and image should be separable from the church itself. Church leaders are to model what it means to be a reflection of Christ, and nothing more.

Some examples of how my church qualified as a cult of personality:

1. Other pastors told us congregants that the lead pastor (LP) was the only person who heard from God, so therefore, we were to listen to him.
2. LP had a hard time giving up the pulpit to the many other capable pastors he hired.
3. LP’s images and quotes saturated the church’s social media. It was less about Jesus and more about him.
4. LP’s leadership had a toxic trickle-down effect. His narcissistic leadership style seeped into the leadership style of his staff. More than anything, this happened due to his abuse of his staff behind the curtain.

Red Flag #2 – Superiority Complex

Cult leaders like to ingrain into their members that their cult is the best and everyone who has not come into the cult is less-than and missing out. This usually stems from the narcissism of the leadership. This sign can reveal itself in the common language used by leaders and members alike. Personal examples include: “We have the best volunteers in the world… Our pastor is the greatest communicator on the planet… Our staff are the best and most hard-working people around.” While the people may be excellent, it is the self-promotion and claiming to have the “secret sauce” (I know, I cringed as I wrote it. Sorry.) that shows an unhealthy level of superiority.

This level of superiority was also shown in those we were encouraged to associate with. If members were in a small group that was outside the covering of the church, there was thinly veiled, passive-aggressive retaliation from the pulpit.

Another personal example of this complex is being told by LP from the pulpit that our church was the best around and if we wanted to leave, it was fine, but we would not be able to find a better church. “There’s the door,” we were told.

This characteristic is an overall theme that will be evident in the rest of the red flags I list.

Red Flag #3 – Questionable Financial Practices

This is one of the more well-known signs of a cult. A famous example is how the Cult of Scientology financially exploits its members for “a quarter of a million dollars minimum” according to former member, Leah Remini. A lesser-known but equally important example is how Bethel Church in Redding manipulates their attendees with their Word of Faith jargon by leading the group in “declaring” financial blessings as the offering is collected during service. Examples of these “offering readings” can be found here.

There are many different ways financial issues can present themselves in cults:

1. No financial transparency. 501c3 organizations are legally required to have their Form 990 information available to the public at any time. However, when someone asks a member of cult leadership any questions about the church’s finances, there is usually resistance in the form of gaslighting, shaming, and/or threatening to or actively kicking that member out of the church.
2. Mini-sermons on money during the service. Churches that are secure in their financial practices and theology of giving money will not be repeatedly preaching the importance of giving financially like their paychecks depend on it. They will be confident in what the Lord will provide through their members. Guilt-tripping is often subtly used here.
3. Staff lifestyles are suspiciously lavish. Toward the beginning of Hillsong’s massive downfall, an article was published in the New York Post that detailed the gross misuse of church funds by leadership. It is important to recognize that these practices are not exclusive to megachurches. There were some noticeably suspicious spending habits within the leadership of my < 400-member church, whose congregation was made up of mostly young families. Some more obvious signs of this are expensive clothing and accessory choices of pastors (It is not a good sign if your pastor could be featured on the Instagram pages of @PreachersNSneakers or @ProphetsNWatches). Expensive houses, cars, vacations, cosmetic treatments, electronics, home renovations, and meals can all be red flags.
4. The richest members of the church are given the most attention. For some cultic churches, it looks like blocking off the front rows of seats for the richest members on Sundays. For others, it is the pastors choosing to “do life” (another phrase I could go without) with the richest members and making sure to post about it on social media (e.g. Carl Lentz and Judah Smith with Justin Bieber). Rich members might even be given leadership roles they may or may not be qualified to fulfill.
5. 90-Day Challenge. The 90-Day Challenge has become popular among churches of all denominations. They take Malachi 3:10-11 out of context and use it to justify a 90-day, no-strings-attached contract for new givers to give 10% of their income. If they do not receive a blessing from God in those 90 days, they get their money back, “no questions asked.” As if God is a genie that works on man’s timeline. It was pointed out in 2014 that these churches all use the same language about this challenge on their websites, word for word.
6. Prosperity/Word of Faith theology. Whether or not they use the 90-day challenge model, prosperity gospel churches will have a constant emphasis on the promise of blessings if congregants give financial donations. Common words and phrases used are “sow a seed,” “abundance,” “we claim and declare,” “decree and declare,” etc. As I said earlier, guilt-tripping and shaming are common here. Tim Challies wrote an excellent article that gives more signs to look for when discerning what the prosperity gospel is and if it has any influence on a church. I also recommend watching American Gospel: Christ Alone for a full breakdown of Word of Faith theology. You’ll find it all to be cleverly intertwined with New Age practices.

While traveling home from a missions trip in Thailand, LP told my dad that he left behind a $200 pair of jeans as a donation and that his wife was not going to be happy about it.  The Thai orphanage they worked with was reliant on shipments from Feed My Starving Children to provide for their kids.  Why own a $200 pair of jeans, let alone wear them in a place where children are living in poverty?

Less than a year before I left the cult, the congregation was told by LP that we had received a $1 million gift from an anonymous donor to finally move into a permanent building after being a mobile church for several years. In the weeks that followed, the story changed and the gift became a loan, then a gift again, then a loan, and so on. When my dad met with LP to ask for clarity on whether the church was $1 million in debt or not, his questions were not received well. Instead, my dad was threatened. LP told him, “people have been kicked out of the church for less.”

Red Flag #4 – Hyper-focus on Numbers

In alignment with the last point, cults can get hyper-focused on numbers. How often does your leadership brag from the pulpit and social media about how many salvations or baptisms occurred in a given period? How often is a certain dollar amount mentioned, that has either already been raised or is a goal set to reach? Do you think each number given is accurate?

My mom would keep track of the dollar amounts given from the stage about our fundraising effort to get into our new building before the $1 million “gift,” but the numbers were not adding up from week to week.

Steven Furtick’s Elevation Church was heavily criticized nearly ten years ago for admitting they would plant people to come forward for spontaneous baptisms to encourage others to follow suit. They never showed regret for their actions, but instead, defended them. They went on to boast large baptism numbers. Unfortunately, LP idolized Steven Furtick — narcigesis and cult-leader tendencies included.

While I would be playing keys behind LP at the end of sermons, he would regularly do calls to accept Christ “with every eye closed and every head bowed.” He would ask people to raise their hands if they were accepting Christ. I found it interesting that he would acknowledge more people giving their lives to Christ than I saw hands go up.

A way this emphasis on numbers plays out week to week is the pressure on members, especially lay leaders, to invite people. I was a student leader for my youth group, and we were given graphics to post on social media every week and were told to consistently text people, inviting them to come that Wednesday. Looking back, I see myself as annoying instead of helpful to the Kingdom during that time, so I am grateful those invitations were mostly ignored.

Red Flag #5 – Ranking of Members

I do not know how common this is in other churches, but LP got this idea from an unnamed business book. In a secret leadership meeting with over 100 members in attendance, LP laid out a ranking system he and leadership used to classify congregants with a 1-7 scale.

Congregants who were 7s were the model members. They gave their time and money regularly and were consistent in attendance and inviting others. These are the people who just got it.

Members who were in the 4-6 range were those who were lacking in one or more of these areas.  LP emphasized the importance of paying these people special attention.  His sentiment: “They are the ones we need to focus on so they can become 7s.”

If members fell into the 1-3 range, LP said, “We will ignore them, but we aren’t going to ask them to leave.” Imagine if Jesus looked at us this way.

The slogan of this church was “Everybody’s Welcome.  Nobody’s Perfect.  Anything’s Possible” (which was not unique to them).  Yet, this statement was not true in practice.  The elitist culture operated in direct opposition to this statement.

Red Flag #6 – Board of Yes-Men

An essential part of having a healthy, Bible-based Church is an advising board of elders that governs the church body. They must be qualified according to the standards of 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 and elected by the church body to serve as a checks-and-balances system for church leadership. If there is any sign of partiality within the board, it is useless.

Two red flags with the cult I left were that the board was 1) personally put together by LP, and 2) kept secret from the congregation. He thought he created a board of yes-men so he could continue acting as he pleased while making himself look accountable in the eyes of the denomination. While some board members did fill the role of “yes-men,” others stood up to him when they uncovered his corrupt practices.

Red Flag #7 – Poor Treatment of Staff and Volunteers

As I mentioned in the introduction, this cult is where my family and I first experienced spiritual abuse. We did not know what it was before it was named for us by my mom’s therapist. See my Instagram post here for a detailed definition of spiritual abuse.

We as congregants did not know how badly staff was being abused until they had a mass exodus months before the organization imploded. It makes sense that we were not aware of the abuse because if we were, those staff members would have most likely been fired. However, the toxic culture that LP created for his staff trickled down into how volunteers and attendees were treated.

Cults often think they can play God with people’s lives, including relationships. They may try to dictate who members can and cannot interact with, which news sources they listen to, books they buy, clothes they wear, etc. They can even become so bold as to attempt and sometimes succeed at pulling members away from their families and friends. This can certainly happen if the people in a member’s inner circle are causing the member to question the cult and its leadership.

In a later point, I will further explain the role of false teachings in cults, but one of the teachings we heard more than once that directly relates to this topic is that “You are the common denominator of all your problems.” This was a way we were subtly conditioned and manipulated to question ourselves before possibly questioning anyone else, especially cult authority. LP deliberately sowed doubt into our minds with this tactic. This is a damaging teaching that took me years to fully eradicate from my mind.

A few more personal examples:

1. New people were love-bombed at an expert level. The church was small enough that new people were pretty quickly noticed, so it was easily accomplished.
2. There was exploitation and expectation of free labor beyond regular volunteering hours. I, among many others, worked there at a level equivalent to a part-time job. I was 16 when I became an informal intern, which was supposed to be a weekly opportunity for me to learn more about the many different aspects of being a worship leader in a church. Instead, I became their personal song machine. I would spend 2-3 hours every Tuesday in the green room, by myself, writing songs. One of my mentors would come in for a few minutes to add enough input to the song I was working on so it could be branded as the church’s, then leave me to it.
3. When I tried to set up some boundaries for myself regarding where I was and was not led to serve, my servant’s heart was questioned and I was accused of not being a team player.
4. After getting into the permanent building, LP bragged that its 40,000 square feet got flipped in 4 weeks by mostly volunteers. Some volunteers and all staff were putting in extremely long hours to get the building ready for the grand opening. The deadline did not have to be so tight, but LP and his wife thought otherwise, so there did not seem to be another option at the time.

Red Flag #8 – Shunning of Ex-Members

The true colors of cults come out in how they treat people who leave after asking too many questions. The classic response is shunning. Either subtly or overtly, staff and members of the cult are given the message to no longer be in contact with those who leave. This goes as far as avoiding ex-members when seeing them in public, no matter how close the relationship prior.

Some cults go further by smearing the reputation of those who leave. Ex-members may be badmouthed from the pulpit, in staff meetings, and/or in personal conversations—sometimes mentioned by name, sometimes not. Other times, the leaders are too cowardly to say anything because it is not in their best interests. Too many questions could be brought up, and that would be bad for business.

My family and I lost our entire community when we left. LP lied to staff members and told them that we did not want to be reached out to after we left, and they were later told that we were “toxic.” It was a devastating shift for us. While we were glad to be free, we did not expect to lose every single relationship we built there.

Red Flag #9 – False Teaching + No Discipleship

While this is the last item on the list, it is the most important. You may catch a cult in its early development stages if you start noticing unrepentant false teaching from the pulpit. Poor theology is the sandy foundation upon which cultic churches are built.

Teachings may slowly become less and less focused on the Bible in an existing church, or a new movement/organization can be founded on a blatantly false set of beliefs that are made from cherry-picking Scripture. Either way, sermons can become more like motivational speeches or TED Talks with some comedy mixed in. The goal often becomes about weaving one-liners into the so-called sermon so they can later be posted on the teacher’s and church’s social media for higher reach and engagement.

Remember, false teaching is often not easily detectable. It is important to take notice of the discernment the Holy Spirit gives all believers and to test everything as encouraged in 1 Thessalonians 5. As Charles Spurgeon said, “Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.”

One specific way poor theology shows up in cultic churches is a lack of true discipleship, as we are told to conduct in the Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20). I and others that left the cult truly believed that if we had been biblically discipled while there, we would have seen through the many erroneous beliefs we were being taught and have made too much noise by asking too many questions. LP even admitted in an interview that discipleship was not his “thing.” True, biblical discipleship would have meant the end of the church (which eventually happened for other reasons).

Final Thoughts

While the cultic church I attended no longer exists, that is not the case for many in America and around the world. Some are so popular, they are topping the Christian music charts and are nominated for Grammys. Their leaders publish books that make the New York Times Bestseller list and they host and speak at the largest Christian conferences in the country. However, other cultic churches are small and unassuming like mine, and their damage can be just as harmful.

If you can relate to any of the red flags here and have experienced great hurt because of cultic leaders, I am so sorry. You have done nothing to deserve this. Abuse at the hands of those who use the name of God to rule with a worldly hand is never acceptable and always devastating to the abused and the Kingdom. You are not alone, and you are not weak. You are still so loved by the God who created you, and He wants to keep loving you through your journey of healing—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

If you do not relate personally but find yourself discouraged by this, I encourage you to not lose heart. As the Apostle Paul said to Timothy in 2 Timothy 4: “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.  As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry” (vv. 3-5). Until Jesus returns, these cults will exist, but their leaders will all one day have to give an account before God for all the people they led astray because those “who teach will be judged with greater strictness” (James 3:1).

We should call out these false teachers and false churches, but not seek vengeance (Romans 12:19). God is not surprised by any of this, and He has the final say.

Additional Resources

Cultwatch – “How Pastors Get Rich”

Cultwatch – Church Risk Survey (This website in general is a great resource.)

Steven Hassan’s BITE Model of Authoritarian Control

Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse – and Freeing Yourself From Its Power by Wade Mullen